The PPE Pump

This Wednesday we reintroduced our famous RNG-driven clearance sale with a twist. Unlike our usual 'gumball machine' sales, everything in the PPE Pump is brand new, regular inventory.

What does this mean for you? Well, it means literally thousands of high value items are up for grabs. You can get a brand new SGE 400/3 gasmask, chemical suit, or a CAT7 Tourniquet---all for only $6.99 a pop. We'll even order you a pizza. Do we actually make a profit doing this? No. It's about a 30% loss. Is it fun? Abso-friggen-lutely.

About the Sale

The PPE Pump is simple and driven by pure chance. We select a bunch of items for clearance, publish the odds, and distribute them randomly as you order. No special requests for items are honored, it's all down to what the random number generator says...

In the end, everyone walks away a winner — we get to empty our shelves, and you get amazing deals and weird one-offs from our warehouse.

Please note that this is a clearance event. Returns are not accepted on PPE Pump orders.

A Special Note on Sizing

Sized PPE Pump items such as our selection of nitrile and latex gloves will be distributed randomly unless specifically stated otherwise in the description below. You are free to request certain sizes of items in your order notes but really it's down to chance.

The Dispensing Process

Below you will find the table of available items in the PPE Pump, each with a corresponding percentile chance. Every squirt of the PPE Pump is determined through the following RNG system — no requests for specific items are allowed.

Let’s say you have your eye on a particular item and want to calculate your chance of getting it, at least once, across multiple items. The formula for this is:

1 - ( 1 - % Chance) ^ (# of Chances)

If item A has a 20% chance per pump, and you purchase three pumps, here's how it would shake out. Your chance at item A is equal to:

1 - (1 - 0.20)^3 = 0.488

In other words, your chance at item A is 48.8%

Note: To use this formula you need to express the percentage chance in decimal form. The 20% chance in the formula above is written as "0.20" not "20."

Happy pumping and may RNGesus bless you!

Item	Probability	Retail
10pk MedPride 3-ply Surgical Face Masks (FDA Approved)	31.23%	$11.99
SCOTT P100 P3R FIlter	25.47%	$24.99
Ameriqual Apack Ready Meal	18.03%	$9.99
SCOTT CAP1 CBRN Filter	10.19%	$24.99
Dupont Pathogen Rated Tychem Suit 2XL	7.64%	$14.99
1ST Choice 4 Mil Ivory Latex Gloves (Box) Medium	6.67%	$14.95
NAR 'Bear Claw' Nitrile Gloves Small - Box of 100	3.57%	$24.99
1ST Choice 3 Mil Blue Nitrile Gloves (Box) Small	3.57%	$17.95
H&H Sterile Burn Dressing	3.41%	$4.99
Nasal Trumpet Fixed Flange	3.31%	$6.99
Ivan's Zibby Beans: Dark Choco	2.55%	$6.99
Ivan's Zibby Beans: Mocha	2.55%	$6.99
Ivan's Zibby Beans: Milk Choco	2.55%	$6.99
H&H MIST Casualty Treatment Report Card	1.94%	$1.99
Combat Application Tourniquet (C.A.T) Gen 7	1.78%	$29.99
Mestel Safety SGE 150 Gas Mask Medium / Large	1.78%	$149.99
NAR Saline IV Lock kit	1.02%	$10.99
NAR Retractable Medical Shear Leash	1.02%	$12.99
NAR 'Bear Claw' Nitrile Gloves Medium - Box of 100	0.76%	$24.99
NAR 'Bear Claw' Nitrile Gloves Extra Large - Box of 90	0.51%	$24.99
Warehouse employee feet pics	0.51%	Priceless
We order you a pizza	0.25%	~$25.00
Santa's Little Helper: We Mail You Zibby Beans Set to Arrive on Christmas Eve 2020	0.25%	$6.99
Mestel Safety SGE 400/3 Gas Mask - Medium/Large	0.15%	$239.99
1 Year Free CONUS Shipping	0.15%	Depends
Lock of Ivan's Hair	0.15%	Priceless
Mr. Bill nudes	0.15%	Priceless
Richo SP C261SNFw Printer Which Requires Partial Disassembly to Clean an Internal Sensor (We Are Too Lazy to do This.)	0.05%	$363.72